Used and abused

i suggest leaving the music playing for this one, and have several wines or any form of alcohol, or anything to bend your mind so the experience is more real!!!!!

ok this is it, my blog where i tell all... nearly all, i mean how much can i give?? everyone else has a secret life, and here i am putting my life out on display for all,, this is why i said have a few drinks, because this is the blog where i tear open my heart and bare my soul, so dont read on untill you are a little blotto and make sure you keep the music playing because its beautiful , it was weird to start off with, how everyone can know my thoughts and stuff, but i hope i have been honest and i hope now i am. The point of this blog is for me to have a catharsis, see i have built up this 'southern belle' thing and the other night i found her, she had blonde hair and everything, just like ashlee simpson:) and it was awesome, and i woke up next to her, and we had the best conversation in the morning, and i thought id found this incredible person,

but like jacob pointed out, she could never be what my fantasies have in mind. She had the accent and everything, but i just sent her a message and she hasnt replied, im sorry emma i said i would tell you about other girls, and there have been others, and now i know unrequited love, because i found my girl but i was just an object for her and it hurts, i mean there was a halle berry type hot girl , gloria, in NY and i didnt feel anything, she was hot but her personality scared me, but with this girl, i felt everything, she was blonde and had the southern accent and it was awesome and i thought talking to her in the morning things were strong, but obviously now, she only cared for the accent or something else, because she doesnt respond, and that is why im writing this so honestly because i want a cathartic experience, so i can see my
written words and see how trivial and pathetic my emotions are , but it doesnt feel pathetic to me, it feels real. Anyway i would also like to mention jacob or jroc, my best friend at UVa and america, and see jroc is a homosexual, and i think he is a top bloke, and it pains me to see all the homophobic sentiment directed against his kind, granted jroc isnt a queen (flaming queer) and he seems like a normal bloke except he likes blokes too, and see, to me, that doesn't matter, i think he is a top bloke, and i feel like i can be myself around him, and that doesn't at all mean im gay, im far from it, and it sucks that i have to justify that just so that i can be friends with him.Because he has

told me on occassion that he would love to be straight just to make life easier, and my roomates think being gay is a choice,and hate gays for choosing such a lifestyle, but its not,everyone has there cross to bear and homosexuals have a larger cross, and i
dont want that, i am against gay marriage and so is jacob form what he has told me, but maybe some cival union, he was telling me about a story about two men who pretended to have a civil union just for home owner tax benefits and then one falls in love with the other, it was an awesome story and i think he should write it, because it exposes the hypocrasy of modern thinking, anyway this poor bastard jroc has to burden all our predujices, just like the jews, and we should realize there is a person behind the stereotype. And as a hot blooded woman lover i want to throw my weight behind his cause, and humanities cause for that matter, human because it is in his genes, and if anyone wants to debate ill see you in the carpark, ill fight you all, ill be in the carpark waiting, because he is just trying to live his life like anyone else and its even harder for him to find love, and for that i am sorry, you can look at yourselves and the stereotypes you perpetuate that make it hard for him, or anyone else different such as the disabled (not relating them to gays but they are a minoroty, like being deaf) and being a minority is hard, i would hate to be be black and growing up in atlanta in the 1920's and the

black people i have met now are awesome. Its hard to go against what we are taught, maybe not directly but what pervades in our culture. Like the beer comercials and so forth in australia, that say when a truck breaks down you pull it with a rope between your teeth to get the job done, now you may think that is macho, but essentially that is propoganda from the corporations that want there workers to wreck there bodies to make them money.
i know this this from personal experience, where a great friend of mine and a worker in the coal mines for many years who is about to retire, has put his body , the body that is his sanctuary, on the line, just to be masculine in front of others, and to be a 'man' and prove that he can get the job done, he is tougher than the other loafers who dont care about how many tonne of coal that is produced, they just want enough money to buy a suped up carboarator for their commodore to impress all the other cessnockians, who value the possesions and money a man has instead of the man himself , (you are not how many fifty dollar bills you have your wallet, and if you think you are, i am sorry for you to have such a shallow life) --seriously you are how you hold yourself, and how you treat others, you might be able to treat them better if you have more money, but the money isnt you...anyway the mines just to sell the coal to the japanese who dont give a fuck anyway , and they sell it tooooo cheap, we shoudl value such a precious resource, but this guy gives a fuck just so that he can be the 'man' who gets it done in front of his friends,and what a lot of bullshit that is, at

what point can you draw the line and say , 'look fucker, this is who i am, and if you get 25 thousand tonnes or 1thousand tonnes, i am still the same man, and i am comfortable with that.' and if you think about money, there are many other ways to get money without destroying your body. And it hurts me that people feel obliged to act that way just to be 'honorable' just for someone who will forget them a week after retirement anyway, and the only reason they want them to keep working is to make life easier for them, becuase they make money of him, and i say take a fucking stand, say make your own dam money, worry about falirues yourself, let me live as i want, on everything, be friends with a gay person and choose a job you want, we live in a society that allows it so why not exploit it, you dont have to live up to expectations,
expectations of people and friends is bullshit, thats what angers friends, because they expect you to beahve in a certain way and when you dont they get upset, act however the fuck you want, and the friends you have will understand that

But anyway jroc knew about my southern belle fantasies, and i finaly found her, and what he said resonated, he said that i put all my fantasies onto her and she couldnt live up to it, and no she couldnt, but she was close, and she didnt reply to me, so thats why i feel so hurt, i found my girl, and it was just a one night thing with her, and it hurts, and i was used, and i can see now how women are hurt when i dont respond to them, or any guy for that matter, fucking unrequited love hurts,no matter if she was living up to my fantasies or not, i think she was awesome and i havent felt that way for quite awhile, and she doesnt feel that way, so ill drink some more wine...

i just watched the royal tenebaums with jacob, it was his first time viewing it, we bought some bottles of australian wine, and fuck , if you want to drink and watch a good flick watch the tenenbaums, it is everything i would ever want in a movie, see i have dreams of being a patriach in a family, and i want kids like the tenenbaum kids, but i think id be a better father than royal, i hope i would appreciate what i had. And then when i lose it and live in a hotel room, id just sink some piss and wait to die.

But anyway i think ill find my belle again, and i think ill start my family and that gives me hope, just like my sis, i am extremely proud of her, and i envy her and steve, and i hope one day to achieve the same. And also i want to teach my kids to be tolerant, of everyone, because there are some beautiful people out there, who dont fit the 'norms' and if you close your mind you''ll never meet them, so i say drink some nice wine, have a deep conversation with a friend, and forget everything that anyone told you........
and rely on your own experience, because advice is just a form of nostolgia rewrapped so the person giving it can relive some past experience. Live your own fucking life, allow yourself to choose who you like, dont rely on what people tell you to like, be your fucking self and you'll feel strong, because your the one who made the decision.









Ok i thought seeing as this blog is narcissistic, id take a photo of myself. This is only 5 days before i leave uva forever, farout, what an experince, to grow up in one town for my life and have the same friends, and have your own self experice, and you personality is based on relating to how you behave in front of those friends, and then to be completely withdrawn from those friends and anything you find familiar and placed in a room with nobody that you know, it is liberating, because you can work out who you really are in a foreign circumstance.
















post script: my belle just messaged me, so you can forget the melancholy of above.


Quotes Family Guy:

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.
***
Brian: Peter, if you just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Peter: Later, later Brian, I gotta do something people will remember me for. Which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this, which leads me to believe this probably won't work.
***
Peter: Oh man, Lois is really pissed at me.
Brian: Yeah, who knew welfare fraud was one of her buttons?